Yestarday started off really well. I had two eggs for breakfast and some crystal light. Later on I had a Natures Valley bar. For lunch I did a baked potato with I Cant Believe Its Not Butter spray and fat free sour cream.
I loved baked potatoes but im use to using gobs of sour cream and butter. Drown 'em! But I sprayed the potato down with the spray pretty good. It's got zero calories, but im sure it can't be great for you so i didn't use as much as I'd like. Then i used about 2 tablespoons of sour cream. Still, not as much as I'd like. I usually like to have to do digging to find my potato under the mess.
Anyway, for dinner I did a piece of chicken, boneless skinless breast, boiled first, then cooked in a little bit of oil, just enough to coat the bottmom of the pan and prevent sticking. I cut it up in to strips, put some seasonings, added a little cream cheese (low fat) and wraped it up in some Nari. Would have been better if i used some brown sushi rice with it,but it was very delicious anyway. About 2 hours later, when i started feeling hungry again, I ate the second breast but i covered it in cheez-it crumbs and fried it.... Ugh. Im such an idiot. I shouldn't have done that. That opened the door for weakness.
Overall, pretty good day to start... Then mom made a cheesecake and had a little left over. I ate some... Stupid stupid. Also, I had a little apple filling, about a tablespoon of the stuff, and then later that night, at about 1 or so in the morning, i had a huge moment of weakness. It was like i forgot i was on my diet. I was doing the late night trek to the fridge. I can't believe i did it, and i hate to even write it down, but i ate... And i ate. Had a little left over Chinese... Had a cheese stick, had the REST of the cheez-its... It was bad. I turned a pretty good day in to a complete failure... On top of that, i ate NO vegetables yestarday, unless you consider the seaweed wrap a veggie. I think i need to pick up some V8 and start eating vegetables throughout the day.
As for today, i had a "thick and creamy" blueberry yogurt for breakfast and for lunch... I don't really have anything at work that's good for me. I should have packed something to bring. Maybe while i sit here in Books A Million i can see if the cafe has anything halfway healthy to eat. On the plus, I've been drinking water all day.
Unfortunatly, again, i forgot to weigh myself. Maybe I'll make it a Friday thing and do it tomorrow. Plus, i didn't go to the gym last night. I REALLY need to keep going out and using the elipticals and do a little on the weight training equipment. If i get some time between my kids going to bed and cleaning up and helping my wife get ready to go out of town, I'll try and go tonight.
Let's hope tomorrows a better day.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
My Catharsis
If I don't lose the weight I need to than I will die. Maybe not this year. Probably not next year, even. But before I get to see my grandchildren I will be dead. I can't allow that. My goal here is to be able to document the journey I will be taking to lose 200 lbs. I current weigh an estimated 395 lbs. Tomorrow morning I will consult the trusty scale and see what I actually weight in at, but my goal will still be 200 lbs from that starting point.
Being overweight like this has caused me numerous amounts of strain in my life. In example, I was in a car accident about a year ago. In the accident, i was the only one injured because the collision caused me to get pushed up against the passenger door and it completely shattered my arm. If i wasn't so heavy, i could have walked away unscathed. Unfortunately, my weight played more than one role in the whole situation. Because of my size, I didn't have medical insurance. This caused all sorts of issues with trying to find a orthopedic surgeon. Because of my size, the oath we DID find was unable to perform surgery at his normal location and we had to go to the hospital, just in case that i stopped breathing because of the strain of my weight under anesthesia. It was an awful experience to begin with, but my weight made it almost life threatening.
Not only do things like medical problems become worse because of my weight, but just person life as well. Do you know what it feels like to be completely confident that you are NOT being checked-out because of your body? I mean, I've seen some really ugly guys get stared at just because their body is alright. I wish i was that guy.
On top of that, I can't keep up with my children. Having to constantly get up and down to tend to my 2 year old and my 4 month old is almost impossibly hard to do. Being able to do simple things, like take my children to the park to play, or wrestle around on the ground is an absolute chore and that isn't right for my children. They suffer because of me.
I feel like my marriage is rocky because of my weight. Who doesn't want to have a sexually and emotionally fulfilling relationship? It's hard when you're overweight to this extent because you actually believe that it is impossible for anyone, including your own wife, to find you sexually and physically attractive. You still believe that you are loved, regardless, but that no matter what they tell you, you think they only tell you that you are attractive because it's what they think you want to hear. Sex is another chore that is too difficult to thoroughly enjoy. Becoming out of breathe very quickly and not finding a comfortable position are just a couple of the laundry list of issues having to do with sex while being morbidly obese. The worst of the bunch being that lots of fat guys, such as myself, develop a rather large fat pad above the base of penis. This fat pad hides almost the entire length of penis. Forget the fact that this is near traumatizing for any man just because of looks, but sex, other than your stand position, becomes impossible, especially is your wife is on the large side as well. You just cant reach. Either your stomach is in the way or too little of your penis is uncovered by this horrible fat pad to be able to get it where it needs to be. It's horrendously embarrassing to deal with and just as embarrassing to be able to write down and share with whoever may read this. Hopefully you never had to share my pain, but if you do, know that you aren't the only one.
Today, i have had a glass of crystal light apple juice and water. It's 4:16pm and this is a horrible way to start a diet. Your body doesn't even realize it's awake until it has eaten. Of course, by now, my body has started up it's metabolism but nearly as early as it should have. Breakfast is a must and i need to start having it. Granola, or a few eggs would be a sensible start. It's enough to start my metabolism and get my body burning calories all day.
Eating, not the lack of, is actually the most important part of losing weight... They say it is better to eat between 5 and 8 small, fist-sized meals throughout the day. This keeps your body acting as a fat burning furnace. It prevents your body from ever going in to starvation mode and holding on to and storing any fat that it receives, in fear that it is the only sustenance that it will be getting for some time.
Other things i will be doing to achieve my 200lb weight loss goal is to stay away from fast food. This will be difficult as my wife works at a delicious fast food chain. Im staying away completely. No fries. No burgers. No healthy alternatives. Hell, not even a salad. NO fast food. It gets me out of the habit of buying food at this places. Also, obviously, no fried foods. If it ever soaked in grease, i don't need it. I need to drink 8 glasses of water a day or more. I really need to just carry around my water jug like i used to and drink it all day long. And lastly, put good use to that gym membership i have. I need to plan on times to go with my brother, who is an excellent workout partner.
Im sure that this journey will be the hardest and longest journey of my life. It will be life changing. It will be the most rear ding thing I have ever done for myself. Here goes the rest of day 1 and I hope to have a healthier rest of the day.
Being overweight like this has caused me numerous amounts of strain in my life. In example, I was in a car accident about a year ago. In the accident, i was the only one injured because the collision caused me to get pushed up against the passenger door and it completely shattered my arm. If i wasn't so heavy, i could have walked away unscathed. Unfortunately, my weight played more than one role in the whole situation. Because of my size, I didn't have medical insurance. This caused all sorts of issues with trying to find a orthopedic surgeon. Because of my size, the oath we DID find was unable to perform surgery at his normal location and we had to go to the hospital, just in case that i stopped breathing because of the strain of my weight under anesthesia. It was an awful experience to begin with, but my weight made it almost life threatening.
Not only do things like medical problems become worse because of my weight, but just person life as well. Do you know what it feels like to be completely confident that you are NOT being checked-out because of your body? I mean, I've seen some really ugly guys get stared at just because their body is alright. I wish i was that guy.
On top of that, I can't keep up with my children. Having to constantly get up and down to tend to my 2 year old and my 4 month old is almost impossibly hard to do. Being able to do simple things, like take my children to the park to play, or wrestle around on the ground is an absolute chore and that isn't right for my children. They suffer because of me.
I feel like my marriage is rocky because of my weight. Who doesn't want to have a sexually and emotionally fulfilling relationship? It's hard when you're overweight to this extent because you actually believe that it is impossible for anyone, including your own wife, to find you sexually and physically attractive. You still believe that you are loved, regardless, but that no matter what they tell you, you think they only tell you that you are attractive because it's what they think you want to hear. Sex is another chore that is too difficult to thoroughly enjoy. Becoming out of breathe very quickly and not finding a comfortable position are just a couple of the laundry list of issues having to do with sex while being morbidly obese. The worst of the bunch being that lots of fat guys, such as myself, develop a rather large fat pad above the base of penis. This fat pad hides almost the entire length of penis. Forget the fact that this is near traumatizing for any man just because of looks, but sex, other than your stand position, becomes impossible, especially is your wife is on the large side as well. You just cant reach. Either your stomach is in the way or too little of your penis is uncovered by this horrible fat pad to be able to get it where it needs to be. It's horrendously embarrassing to deal with and just as embarrassing to be able to write down and share with whoever may read this. Hopefully you never had to share my pain, but if you do, know that you aren't the only one.
Today, i have had a glass of crystal light apple juice and water. It's 4:16pm and this is a horrible way to start a diet. Your body doesn't even realize it's awake until it has eaten. Of course, by now, my body has started up it's metabolism but nearly as early as it should have. Breakfast is a must and i need to start having it. Granola, or a few eggs would be a sensible start. It's enough to start my metabolism and get my body burning calories all day.
Eating, not the lack of, is actually the most important part of losing weight... They say it is better to eat between 5 and 8 small, fist-sized meals throughout the day. This keeps your body acting as a fat burning furnace. It prevents your body from ever going in to starvation mode and holding on to and storing any fat that it receives, in fear that it is the only sustenance that it will be getting for some time.
Other things i will be doing to achieve my 200lb weight loss goal is to stay away from fast food. This will be difficult as my wife works at a delicious fast food chain. Im staying away completely. No fries. No burgers. No healthy alternatives. Hell, not even a salad. NO fast food. It gets me out of the habit of buying food at this places. Also, obviously, no fried foods. If it ever soaked in grease, i don't need it. I need to drink 8 glasses of water a day or more. I really need to just carry around my water jug like i used to and drink it all day long. And lastly, put good use to that gym membership i have. I need to plan on times to go with my brother, who is an excellent workout partner.
Im sure that this journey will be the hardest and longest journey of my life. It will be life changing. It will be the most rear ding thing I have ever done for myself. Here goes the rest of day 1 and I hope to have a healthier rest of the day.
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